Think of yourself as your child’s coach, root for them, guide them rather than control them. Humans resist control but are open to being coached. In fact, and I take this as huge compliment, my students often call me “coach” on accident. Why? Because every day, I coach them to be better cooks. I don’t discipline them or control them. I don’t hover over them and critique every little knife skill and cooking technique – I let them make mistakes, then I coach them how to do it better next time. Sometimes I point out what could go wrong before it happens and they change course.
I teach culinary arts at a school for at-risk teens. Every day my students know exactly what’s expected of them – they know what to do when they walk into the classroom (they have work to start right away that’s projected on the screen) they know what to do after I take roll, they know what they will accomplish for the day because I project the acronym SWBAT: Student’s Will Be Able To…Sauté vegetables, dice mire poix, bake a cake… they know what they’re supposed to do before and after they cook because their groups jobs are written on the white board in the kitchen - they know what to do for every single minute they are in my class. And those are called procedures and routines. Do they need some reminding from time to time? Yes. But that’s part of coaching. We practice in my kitchen so that when the students get jobs in a commercial kitchen, they will have had the experience of me coaching them to do their best. Contrary to what many people believe, the number-one problem with your child is not discipline—it is the lack of procedures and routines.
So ask yourself this: what do I want my kids to accomplish this year, this month, this week, today? Have a calendar. Be prepared, be organized. Fill your day with activities that are engaging, educational and productive. What if teachers walked into a classroom with no plan for the day? Students wouldn’t know what was expected of them and as the teacher was trying to figure out what to do, kids would be off task and “disruptive.”
Coach your child to be an amazing child now so that they will become an amazing adult later. Coaches correct their players swings and remind them where to focus. They address a missed tackle or an error by the third baseman because they’re trying to make them better players. If you’ve gotten to the place where you’re afraid to address a behavior because your child will fight you on it, that’s ok. We can still get you and them back in the game. But I implore you, don’t give up on your child because you think it will cause a fight. You are in charge of forming the character of your child. If you aren’t forming their character, then imagine who is.
You want to know why substitute teachers often struggle with discipline? It’s because the teacher didn’t leave a detailed lesson plan with the procedures and routines for the day. The students are out of their routine and will usually become off-task. The substitute takes this as a sign of disrespect and starts yelling (a form of discipline) or calls for reinforcements from the vice-principal or security. Yes, a good teacher will even have routines and procedures for when they are absent.
So let’s talk about procedures and routines.
Routines are the backbone of daily classroom life. They facilitate teaching and learning…. Routines don’t just make your life easier; they save valuable classroom time. And what’s most important, efficient routines make it easier for students to learn and achieve more."
—Learning to Teach…not just for beginners by Linda Shalaway (strikethroughs mine)
You see how easy it is to apply teaching practices to parenting? Procedures are part of daily life. There are procedures for driving a car, stopping at a stop light, going to the dentist, brushing your teeth, getting ready for bed. Most behavior problems are caused by the parent’s failure to teach their children how to follow procedures. Parents must learn how to effectively convey the procedures just as children must learn how to follow the procedures.
Here’s a 3-step process:
1. Explain: State, explain, model, and demonstrate the procedure.
2. Rehearse: Kids rehearse and practice the procedure under your supervision.
3. Reinforce: Reteach, rehearse, practice, and reinforce the classroom procedure until it becomes a habit or routine.
Just like a coach, you must practice these things with your children.
When students enter my classroom, I like them to enter quietly, to get to their seats and to start their work. Why? Because if they aren’t working right away, it messes up the dynamic and feel of the class, it puts us behind schedule because I must wait for the students to catch up and it disrupts other students that are trying to work. So, guess what I do? I have the noisy, rambunctious student go outside and enter the class again until he can do it right. What does that show? I’m not afraid to address a problem and that I don’t give up until something is done right. And you know what I’ve done before? I’ve taken a whole class outside, waited until they were quiet and then brought them back inside to work. That’s practice.
So what are some areas you can practice with your child, grandchild, niece or nephew? What’s your routine for getting ready in the morning? Do you lay the clothes out for your kids the night before? Do they wake up late, barely have time to eat and get dressed and are you rushing them out the door? If so, I’m sure there’s tension there. What’s your procedure for eating at a restaurant? What’s your procedure for going to church or to the movies or shopping? What are the procedures for when friends visit? Do they know what to expect from you at your house? What about when your child goes to another friend’s home? Do they know what you expect from them and are you holding them to those expectations by practicing? A lot of behavior issues can be solved by explaining what you expect from the child beforehand, reminding them, modeling that behavior, and practicing. Your children need to know what you expect from the before they are in that environment.
I do all the shopping for groceries for my household and sometimes I take my 2-year-old Ruah. I tell her we are going shopping, I tell her that if she’s good in the store I’ll reward her later. I let her “cross off” the items from my shopping list so it gives her a task and she feels like she’s helping, and depending on the store, I will reinforce her good behavior by getting her a small candy or some stickers (Trader Joe’s gives candy and stickers) or I’ll praise her verbally for how good of a helper she was.
What are your routines for the weekdays? Do the kids get up at the same time every day and go to sleep at the same time? Do you have a wind-down routine? Our kids get up and go to sleep at the same time every day. We have a morning routine – Essie can watch a show after she’s eaten and done her hair, brushed her teeth and put on her shoes. Why? Because we know that if she gets a show before, she will lose track of time and make us late on getting her to school. This saves us time….and a headache.
Routines and procedures breed consistency and familiarity for children. It makes them feel safe because they know what to expect. Scared children act out and seek attention for assurance. Do you have children that are older but are still wanting to sleep with you or come into your room in the middle of the night? Most likely, these children need structure, routines, and procedures to feel safe. Just like a baby that likes to be swaddled because it reminds her of her mom’s womb, think of routines and procedures like a swaddle that makes kids feel secure because they know what to expect. Kids will misbehave when they do not have clear boundaries or expectations because it’s their way of telling you they need security. They need you to tell them, demonstrate and reinforce what you expect of them.
And here’s one of the biggest pieces of advice: you must be consistent with how you reinforce the procedures. You can’t say bedtime is going to be 8pm, then one day its 10pm then 9pm then 8pm then 10pm…Parents, you are in charge of creating and enforcing the routines. If you aren’t consistent, behaviors will get worse.
One last thing: Do Not Threaten and not follow through. This erodes away at the respect and credibility your child places on you. We’ve all done it, but some parents do it more than others…”If you don’t stop that, we are leaving.” “If you don’t stop that, you’re not getting ice cream.” What you’re teaching the child is that the child can in fact keep doing what they want and you won’t do anything about it. So, what that tells the child is that you’re not to be trusted. This also makes them lose respect for you because they’ve won the power battle. What you’re doing, and I’m going to talk about this more in the next blog, is you’re giving them the consequence right there – the threat is the consequence because you’re trying to change their behavior through a threat and coercion. Some of us are unknowingly reinforcing bad behaviors through the consequences we dish out. A consequence is anything that reinforces a behavior. If I were to say to the class, “if y’all don’t be quiet I’m going to make you line up again outside until you’re quiet” that statement is a consequence because I’m trying to shape their behavior in that moment with a threat, with trying to make them fearful of me. But if I were just to take the kids outside, have them quiet down and then come back inside, that’s reinforcing the procedure for how they’re supposed to be working in the classroom. Some of us are giving the wrong consequence and it’s reinforcing bad behavior. And guess what, you’re doing the best you can with the tools you’ve been given. I’m here to give you some new tools to try.
Behavior problems can mostly be prevented by having procedures. Procedures tell a child what to do. If kids know what to do, they will not do what they are not supposed to do.
Effective parents implement a plan that prevents problems from occurring in the first place. If you know your child tends to behave differently in different situations, go through the three-step process of the procedures and routines before the child is in that environment. They need to be reminded.
In an ineffectively run home, energy is used to Stop Misbehavior.
In an effectively run home, energy is used to Enhance Learning, Connection and Love.
In other words, effective parents prevent problems before they occur, rather than react after a problem occurs.
Homes with an abundance of misbehavior problems have as their signature the Three Cs:
Compliance, Control, Coercion
If the child does not comply, discipline or scolding is used. Coercion is used to control the child until submissive behavior is evident—anything for the parent to survive.
Homes that are free of misbehavior problems succeed because they give children structure, focus, guidance, and direction. This is how effective homes are created.
Effective homes are not created by using rules. Rules are essential in games because they are meant to control. Rules do not inspire. If your purpose is to control, then rely on rules. However, if your intentions are to inspire, teach and connect with your child then share your expectations and teach procedures. Children will rise to the level of your expectation of them and their abilities.
Rules and Punishment Don’t Work.
Let me summarize:
1. Coach, don’t control your kids
2. Procedure and routines are a normal part of life and need to be explained, modeled and practiced.
3. Establish and practice procedure for everything you can think of with your kids until the become a routine.
4. Plan and structure your year, month, week and day.
5. Be consistent with practicing your procedures and routines
6. Do not threaten with things you will not do. Also, if you must give a warning, just do it once. Then immediately follow through if the procedure or behavior is not corrected.
7. Rules and Punishment don’t work.
Next week I’ll be talking about the ABC’s of behavior. You’re not going to want to miss it.
It’s my honest hope in all this that you find peace in your parenting so you will have peace in your home. A home is a place of refuge, rest, hope, rejuvenation, and connection. I’m here to help.
If you know of anyone that can benefit from what I wrote, please send them this blog. Thank you.
- Justin Halbert | Husband, Father, Creative, Realtor
